It is so bizarre to read the words “Twin Rivalry”. Isn’t it? Twins imply two inseparable individuals. Twins exemplify love. How can there be friction in this unique bond? How can twins be rivals? It looks inconceivable, right? Unless your twins are peace-loving little Buddhists, you would have indeed tasted the bitterness of twin rivalry to some extent.
Sibling Rivalry in Twins
If you have toddler twins, you may want to read this article discussing why twin toddlers fight and how to deal with them. In the current article, let’s concentrate mainly on sibling rivalry in older twins.
If your twins are emotionally healthy and are heartily bonded, their fights can be short-lived and won’t grow into a rivalry. But, most twins face twin rivalry for at least a few years. If intervened and aided rightly, their relationship can be saved.
What are the factors that contribute to twin rivalry? What makes these friends into foes? Let’s decode the mystery in detail.
When your twins are about seven or eight, they could still lock horns over the ownership of toys and things. But if you notice, the basis for their fights would have slowly taken a new dimension. Things alone don’t concern them anymore. Now, their conflicts will be fueled by their comparison at a personal level. The warfield will be gradually shifting to a new arena. Meaningless fights will head towards real twin rivalry.
Twin rivalry is similar to sibling rivalry in singletons. Yet, the intensity of the rivalry can be higher in twins as they are of the same age, dealing almost the same stuff, at the same stage of life.
What Provokes Twin Rivalry?
To watch your twins constantly behave mean to each other can be concerning. You have to apprehend that twins fighting is natural and cannot be averted. So, you should relax and interpret what leads to this twin rivalry. Only then can you perceive the consequences of twin rivalry and explore ways to manage or cease this feud.
Stages of Twin Rivalry
I have determined and put together the potential reasons for twin rivalry into different stages and in a specific sequence for your easy understanding. Twin rivalry does not pop up from nowhere. It takes its intense form through four stages,
- Stage 1: Twin-realization
- Stage 2: Self-induced Comparison
- Stage 3: Triggered Emotions
- Stage 4: Intense Twin Rivalry
All twins inadvertently go through the first three stages in a loop. As this loop repeats, they move on to the final stage, intense twin rivalry. The extremity can vary based on their environment and circumstances. Let’s now check out each stage in detail.
Stage 1: Twin-realization
After enjoying a carefree childhood for a few years, twins enter a phase where they try to discover themselves just like every child do. However, singletons have self-realization whereas twins have twin-realization.
I coined this phenomenon as twin-realization because they explore and sense their personality by analogising themselves with their twin. To comprehend their identity, they weigh up their persona with their closest peer, who is none other than their twin.
Here are a few scenarios that could illuminate how twins interpret their situations and determine their persona.
“What can I do? What can my twin do?“
“How did it work for me? How did it work for my twin?”
“What did I get? What did my twin get?“
“How is my life? How is my twin’s life?“
“I am sad. Is my twin sad or happy?“
By such repeated analysis, they will learn that they are individuals with unique identities.
Your twins will observe their strengths and weaknesses. They will catch their distinct skill sets and can tell apart each other’s capacities. They will even come up with the pros and cons of their respective abilities.
Your twins will notice how they feel after triumphs and defeats. They can also perceive people and relations up to a point. They will have opinions on everyone and everything.
They explore themselves only by comparing each other. They have a twin-realization.
Stage 2: Self-induced Comparison
Until now, you might have meticulously guarded your twins against getting hurt by strictly not comparing them at any time. But no matter how hard you try, this twin-realization will force them to compare themselves regarding every element of life.
Hence, the comparison will not cease with understanding each other’s personalities. It will carry forward to the next stage, where they willingly compare the effects of being who they are and how the world or life treats them.
Comparison Scenarios
Here are some places where twins may compare each other.
Comparing their Skills
“She is very good at drawing. I want to draw like her.”
Even though they may have different areas of expertise, they will long to dominate the area the other twin is good at. Rather than enhancing their natural talents, they may be much more worried about the ones they lack (in which the other twin is an expert).
Comparing how they are Treated
“You are scolding only me, not her.”
Even if you are careful and treat them fairly, they may probe and point out that you are partial. The fun part is that both of them may accuse you of treating the other twin favourably.
They may not stop this evaluation with their family. They will extend their observation to how the teachers, friends, relatives and the external world treat them – fair or biased? The effects of this comparison can be hard to tackle as you cannot expect everyone(the outside world) to treat your twins fairly as you do.
Comparing their Capabilities
“It takes so much time for me to complete my homework. How can she finish it quickly?”
Not only academics, if there is a gap in the capacities of what each of them can do well, that can pose a challenge. If one has to work more on something the other twin is naturally good at, it could create frustration.
Comparing their Success and Failure
“Even after I put so much effort, I always come second or lose it!”
This can happen if both aspire to do the same thing. When one twin is extremely good at it and leaves the other behind, the constant disappointments can drive a wedge between them.
They get into a self-induced comparison mode and keep examining their similarities and differences in every aspect of life.
Stage 3: Triggered Emotions
These endless comparisons over everything will take your twins to the next stage. A gush of emotions will burst out of their little souls. Your twins cannot handle them facilely.
To mention the least, it will flame their envy, anger, and hatred. All these triggered emotions could impair their attitude, inflate their ego and spoil their character.
Repeated comparisons will trigger numerous negative feelings and put their emotional health at stake.
Stage 4: Intense Twin Rivalry
Stages 1 to 3 will always be in a loop, repeating. Understand themselves -> Compare -> Emote -> Understand themselves -> Compare -> Emote -> and so on. With each time, the already fuming hostility between them will compound. They will become competitive in many aspects unknowingly.
As the twins get trapped in this loop, they will reach stage 4. Twin rivalry could become so intense that you will feel helpless. Putting off that burning fire between your twins can henceforth be quite challenging.
With the loop iterating, twin rivalry would silently take a robust shape in the background.
If sibling rivalry in twins is not handled with care and at the right moment, it might carry over to adulthood and make their lives awful. The consequences of this can be devastating. They have to cross this intricate and fragile phase as smoothly as possible. It is imperative to protect the emotional health of your twins.
Twins were born together for a reason. We should help them preserve that sacred bond from breaking. In the coming articles, we will further discuss the effects of twin rivalry and how to prevent it from impacting your twins.
If you have experienced twin rivalry, please share your few cents in the comments section.
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Happy Twin Parenting!
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Image Credits: Main image by Cottonbro Studio